External Validation and Approval

#NulisRandom2017 #NulisBuku

I had read several articles related to external validation and approval from other people. It did remind me of last year when I had a final exam telling about why we don’t have to care about what people might think about us. Basically, each person thinks that they are the main characters to their own lives, their own stories (I read this in a manga entitled Shugo Chara; and apparently one of the nonfiction articles I read said the same). Therefore, they wouldn’t be concerned about other people’s lives, misery, sorrow, or sadness except theirs.

Get smack down, get back up again.
Stay strong. My fight is not over.

More often than not, I made myself difficult. I tried to stop comparing myself with others, but still, I ended up overanalyzing. Most of the things that bug me are the things I don’t do that most people do. Again, I compare myself, wondering if I already do right. Wondering if everything will do me good. Wondering, and wondering, and wondering.

It leads me nowhere, of course. To have such anxiety is not even productive. I keep searching for other people’s validation, whether or not I realize it. It’s not healthy, it leaves me with misery, while at the same time I know no one would care.

I can claim that I’m not that severe, though. I’m not obsessed with how many likes I get for the whole things I post on my social medias; I know exactly what I want, what my ambition is, what my passion is. Sometimes, it even soothes me. However, when my mind’s been playing tricks, I’m suddenly aware of how most people do better than me. And that I can’t do the same. And that what I do is not even acceptable. And that I will never, ever be accounted as a success (God forbid, though! :v). Those are the things concerning me almost all the time, playing tricks again and again as if I can’t even think the other way around.

Now, let’s take this in mind: how if what I do is accepted by this often-making-cosmic-jokes universe?

Maybe, I’ll be more content, relieved, and possibly happy with myself. I’ll never have any major doubt. I’ll just do what I do, smiling very often, knowing that people are complimenting me, supporting me, telling me I’m on the right track.

So the solution of this endless mean cycle is to do what I think people like me to do.

But, what if they still don’t accept what I do? What if I still think the same: knowing that I haven’t accomplished enough? What if I can’t appreciate myself more, believing that people prefer higher achievements that I haven’t managed to accomplish? What if those people don’t even care about what I do?

It’s still the mean cycle, then. At this point, I realize that I make myself worrying about the future while I don’t exactly know what will happen. So why worry? Why agonize? Why overanalyze? I can just make up my future, believing in myself that what I do might turn out right.

I can’t read people’s minds, and just because I don’t get the response I expected, doesn’t mean they tend to ignore me or even despise me. I can’t just assume things—in fact, I have to stop this bad habit. Never mind about the external validation or other people’s approval, I can always give myself that.

It never matters what people think of me, as long as I think good and excellent about myself. (In a positive way, not the smug one.)

I can always validate myself. I can always approve myself.

I have myself.

Adoring people is fine. Wanting to improve is as fine, too. But being obsessed with it will never lead me to a better path.

And, of course, I can always try and learn.