What I Wish I Had Known Years Ago Before Writing

Several days ago, I have just posted the last chapter of one of my stories on Wattpad, Invalid, and it just dawns on me that, yea, I will write this topic and how making mistakes should not be my biggest fear in writing stories anymore.

Just to illustrate the background of all this, I used to think so hard before posting my stories on Wattpad, since five years ago(?). That has become a habit since I read a lot of writing tips and how my stories shouldn’t be embarrassing, and how it should be—well, you know—perfect.

I expect a lot from myself, and I do enjoy writing as best as I can. What differentiates my habit several years ago with now is that I did what I could, as best as I could. I cared about grammar, my characters, the research I should do, and I posted it. If there was a mistake, then I tried to fix it. I remember writing something wrong about human’s body temperature in First Love First until a reader reminded me about it; and how I wrote NaOH instead of Natrium in Berlawanan, before I realized all the sources I read said something different. So I told my readers, yes, I made a mistake and I fixed it. Simple.

Gradually, from time to time, I expect more from myself until it piles up and my brain works very differently from how it worked before when it comes to making mistakes. I was being too hard on myself, I kept demanding everything to be absolutely perfect. Instead of seeing it as a process to grow, I saw making mistakes as a fatal flaw. Something that will define me forever. Something permanent that can’t be fixed. Something that will remain within myself, without any second chance to learn, to grow, to be better.

Later on, it occurs to me that I was (or still am?? lmao) perfectionist. I feel like whatever I write, it should be presentable. I shouldn’t embarrass myself. In a sitting, I should constantly produce gold and diamond and any glittering things that it won’t look like garbage or something. In other words, I do want to impress people.

Well, there’s nothing wrong with writing something impressive so that the readers will adore our writing (and, ehem, ourselves) in an instant. But sometimes, that level takes time. I can’t possibly expect myself to be perfect in a light speed. How do I know I’ve done something right if I never make mistakes? At some point, when creating art or stories, people have done the same thing, they made mistakes.

Besides, being too perfectionist can stifle my creativity. Rather than empowering me and boosting the creativity faucet, it keeps placing more and more high-and-mighty expectation. The result is clear: it kills me (not literally, but you got my point, whew).

Look at how many months I spent doing nothing (I still write but not at fast as before; I blame this obnoxious, unnecessary fear; yeeet). I kept doubting myself, wondering if I’m capable enough to do something—in this case, writing. I spent so many years writing, what the freak, so if I fail, if I make another gazillion mistakes, if I wrote something stupid (like that Na and NaOH or misleading human’s body temperature), then it won’t matter. The mistakes will get me to learn something, and it won’t be as bad as I thought.

I saw a lot of Tumblr posts about what would I say to myself before writing, yeeeeaaaars ago. And sure, that would be: make mistakes. Make as many as you want. Yes, we will still conduct certain research in order to be accurate. Yes, our characters will do silly things and it might cause plotholes or whatever, but at least, you keep writing. Don’t sacrfice the habit of writing daily, to produce words so smoothly, just for the sake of meeting the standard of being always right. That’s sick.

Now, back to the main thing that inspires me to write the paragraphs above: my story Invalid.

I’ve written this story for around six years now. I got the idea when it was on the second semester of high school, and posted it on Wattpad around August 2013. It did have a growing audience, before I was stuck and had no idea on how to write the ending.

At that time, I knew I would still be able to wrap everything up, but it would only be one single chapter. How messed up that would be? For making everyone waiting too long, only to produce one final, last chapter? People might think I’m retarded or something. =w=

But yea, this story doesn’t follow any prominent premise. I just have these characters in mind, and want them to be together. That’s all.

What happened to Audi was bad, and I wanted to do them justice. I still want to make this story better, to erase and improve any scene that might sound too unreal and didn’t even portray how it works naturally in the real world situation. I want this story to have a purpose, to have a clear climax, before it goes down to the falling action and resolution.

But guess what?

Even after abandoning it for years (I stopped writing around 2014 or 2015, I suppose, then posted another chapter around 2017), my brain still suggests that one last, final chapter. No matter how much I try to make it perfect, plausible, presentable with good climax, falling actions, and resolutions, it just won’t do. That’s just how the first draft works, so I gotta take it or leave it.

Now, this isn’t to justify any bad published novels out there and keep making mistakes without taking responsibilities or something. I just wanna say that, if it’s still the first trial and I’m struggling so much with it, then it’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to have the first draft as flawed as possible. Those popular sayings are true; you can fix your mistakes, but you can’t fix blank pages.

The same goes with writing fanfiction.

I was sooo afraid of producing bad English. I was so afraid that my words aren’t big enough, that it’s not as sophisticated or as aesthetic as any other works, and it scares me to death. To what extent did I think it was right to bully my own work like that? Yeeet. I never wrote in English before (other than the crappy scifi short stories I submitted for some writing competitions in campus two years ago). And even when I thought they were crappy, I’m talking more about how I executed the plot and not about how I structured the English with all the skill I got.

My English is decent, y’all. It might not be in the 13, 14, or even post-graduate level in Hemingway App, but at least it’s still readable and my story can still be considered... fine. And then again, if I happen to make mistakes, it’s still fine. I can fix it. It’s not a one-time deal. Aaand, it’s not rocket science either. It’s not that deep.

Sometimes, people can be so cruel towards themselves, thus making them their own worst critics as well as enemies. I just want to point out that I, as a writer, need to remember that sometimes. And that making mistakes is part of the process to grow, to learn, to be much much better.

There’s no right way to write, nor is the right time to write. It’s just started from myself, and even if it’s bad, the worst case-scenarios that might happen are: 1) people will remind me, or they see me as someone incompetent and leave me for good and that’s fine, 2) I will realize the mistakes myself and I’ll fix it and I’ll grow better from it, 3) people will know I can learn a thing or two and the destined readers will come back to my stories, and they will still believe in me and they can give me a second chance, or a third chance, or a fourth chance, and so on, and so on.

It’s a win-win solution, either way. And at the end of the day, I’m gonna read my own works and grow from it. And years later, after all the hard work I put to my stories, I’m gonna be able to recall all the wonderful things that I’ve done. And finally I can say to myself, “You’ve done a great job. Thanks for materializing all the stories you want to write.” And then I’ll beam, so brightly the sun itself can’t handle it, then add, “I know you’ve got it in you. Cause I know you. always. can.”